


it's been raining since you left me

by wingardiumleviosa111



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 15:18:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1862619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingardiumleviosa111/pseuds/wingardiumleviosa111
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“They’re sending you to Germany?” Her chest is tight, and she shakes her head in disbelief even though Delphine can’t see her. They can’t do that, Cosima thinks stupidly before remembering that, oh wait, they can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's been raining since you left me

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song Always by Bon Jovi. Enjoy!

It’s raining. Normally, Cosima loves rain. She loves the feel of it splashing against her skin, the way it soaks through her clothes bit by bit until she’s a sopping mess. She loves the way the world sounds when it’s raining- all quiet hum and soft patter. Her favorite thing to do when it rains- her absolute favorite thing, even more than reading or smoking- is cuddle. If she wakes up to the telltale sound of rain splattering against her window, she climbs right back into the curve of Delphine’s arms and stays there until all she can hear is Delphine’s soft breathing ghosting along the back of her neck. Later, of course, Cosima would hear a lot more than breathing; high whines and whimpers and _there_ and _plus rapide_. But in that moment, when she first wakes up, with the sound of Delphine murmuring in her ear and the comforting tap of water all around her, she feels at peace.

 

Now though, she’s never hated rain more. To say it was a torrential downpour would be an understatement. It cascades down in rivulets across Felix’s windows and turns the entire loft cold. Cosima is huddled under Felix’s bright red blankets, the cannula pushing oxygen into her nose. Push. Breathe. Push. Breathe. It’s a neverending cycle, a constant reminder that her lungs don’t even work like lungs anymore. And to make it worse, she doesn’t have anyone to cuddle. No one to hold because, while Felix may make a killer mac and cheese (it’s from a box with a packet of powdered cheese but she doesn’t tell him that she knows that), he doesn’t know how to handle her oxygen tank or her coughing. He doesn’t know how to handle her dying. So they sit side by side on his blood red bed ( _Hey_ , she jokes, _at least when I cough, it’ll blend in_ ), eating awesome macaroni and cheese and staring out the dripping window panes.

It’s only when Sarah and Kira come in, put on more of that rad reggae music, and join them on the bed, does Cosima start to feel better. Her tongue pushes between her teeth and she bops her head right onto Sarah’s shoulder. She doesn’t have nearly enough energy to get up and dance again, but Sarah’s laughing and she doesn’t totally feel like a useless lump taking up all the blankets in a bed that’s not even hers, which is good, she guesses. Kira is laughing and twirling on the carpet with the exuberance that only a child could have, and Cosima feels warm from the laughter bubbling up in her chest as she watches the little girl prance and jump.

But then the wind gives a perceptible howl and Cosima is back to pulling the sheets tighter around herself.

“Jesus, Fee. Don’t you have more blankets or a quilt or something? It’s fuu--freezing in here,” Sarah cuts herself off when she remembers her 8 year old daughter at the foot of the bed.

Kira grins at her mother’s slip up. “Mummy almost said a bad word! Mummy almost said a bad-” She’s cut off by Sarah, who pulls her daughter onto the mattress and smothers her with kisses, ignoring Kira’s playful yelps of protest.

“No I didn’t! I would never, you cheeky monkey,” Sarah bantered.

Felix smiles at his family and rolls his eyes at Cosima. “They’re like this all the time. You get used to it.”

Sarah perks up. “Kira, did you hear that?” Kira cocks her head and purses her lips, suddenly looking a lot older than eight. “Hear what, Mummy?”

Sarah’s eyes flash with glee and Cosima can practically see the horror forming on Felix’s face when Sarah opens her mouth and says, “I think Uncle Felix wants a tickle, don’t you?”

Kira squeals in delight, nodding vigorously. They tackle him and suddenly the bed seems very small for the four of them. Cosima’s glasses are almost knocked off her face by a stray, flailing hand and she shrinks back against the pillows, feeling smaller by the second. Felix’s laughter is bouncing off the walls of his loft and Sarah’s tongue is stuck between her teeth in concentration as she holds down Felix’s hands so Kira can tease his sides. And even though the entire family is practically in her lap, Cosima has never felt so alone in her life, a spectator of them.

Eventually, Felix manages to get his hands free, and he flings them above his head, as though surrendering.

“STOP. Stop. I’m done. I’m done,” Felix is breathing hard and when his family relents, he throws himself into Cosima’s lap, his chest heaving, eyes still sparkling with mirth.

“Hey guys? Where’s Alison?”

Felix turns his head to look at Cosima. “No idea. She probably went home to be with Donnie.” He throws her a large wink. “Don’t know why. He looks like a twat.” Felix winces when Sarah thumps him on the shoulder. His eyes widen in disbelief. “Are you telling me you don’t think she could do better?”

“She totally could,” Cosima chimes in. Felix grins. Turning to her, he mouths _Right?!_ behind his hand.

“Alison loves him, so be nice, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah, alright.” Felix rolls his eyes but smirks at Cosima, whose lips quirk up into a smile of their own. “More pasta?” Felix finally inquires, batting off the hand of his sister who had gone in for a last attempt to continue the game. He pulls himself off the bed and stretches languidly before accepting Sarah’s empty bowl.

Cosima shakes her head no, pulling the book that Kira had let her keep, out from underneath her. She needs to call Scott and tell him about everything that this book contains. How Professor Duncan may have put the secret between the withered pages she’s holding. But she doesn’t know how compromised he is, after their little getaway plan worked and took out Rachel’s eye at the same time. She can’t risk it right now.

Sarah shivers and Cosima can feel it through the press of Sarah’s arm against her own. “Hey, how about that quilt I asked you for about a year ago, Fee?”

Felix stalks over to his couch, grabs the blanket hanging off the back of it, and throws it at his sister, letting out a triumphant cheer when it smacks her in the face, causing her to fall backwards onto the bed. Cosima looks up from Dr. Moreau and giggles along with Kira, who quickly notices the book in her hands.

“Will you read more to me, Auntie Cosima?”

Cosima looks at Kira for a long minute. One the one hand, she needs to figure out these sequences, needs to know what they could mean for her, and she’s running out of time. But as she peers down at the little girl, who looks so hopeful, she finds herself nodding in resignation. Kira curls up against her side, and all of a sudden, Cosima is bracketed by the Manning girls. Sarah, who's watching her with a twinkle of amusement, and Kira, who’s staring up at her in adoration.

Cosima smiles when Sarah drapes her hard earned blanket around the three of them, enveloping them all in the warm embrace of rough blanket and body heat. Sarah turns to look at Cosima, with the exact same expression as her daughter, and Cosima has to laugh at Sarah eagerly awaiting storytime. But then the laugh quickly turns into a sticky cough that clings to her throat on the way up. Everyone in the loft is quiet until she is done, and in the second of lag time between the end of her coughs and her assurances that she’s okay, Cosima is suddenly painfully aware of the rain beating a tattoo on the roof.

In the end, what fully breaks the silence is her phone beeping on the couch where she had tossed it haphazardly.

Felix sauntered over to it, waving at Cosima to stay in bed when she moved to get up.

“Who the fuck is ‘Eskimo Pie’? Is that, like, a hooker you’re seeing on the side?-”

The “Oi!” that Sarah yells, as she reaches out to cover a giggling Kira’s ears, is overshadowed by Cosima. Her back is, all of a sudden, ramrod straight, and both Kira and Sarah, who had been slumped against her shoulders, fall back unceremoniously against the headboard.

“Answer it!” Cosima hisses. Her demeanor has changed entirely, her body tense and on edge. “Answer it!” She all but yells this time when Felix doesn’t comply at first, too busy staring at her in astonishment to focus on the phone in his hands. He presses the green button at the same time that he pushes the phone into her hands, having crossed the room in three long strides. Ignoring Sarah’s inquiries of “Cos, what’s going on?”, she reaches over and plucks the needle from the record playing. The room plunges into uncomfortable silence.

Cosima is tentative now that the phone is in her hand, nervous energy pulses through her. _It might not be her_ , she tells herself, _it could be Rachel. She might have taken her phone. This could be a trap._

“Hello?” The room is still. So still that Cosima’s pretty sure no one’s breathing. She sure isn’t.

“Cosima?” And then the air shifts as all the breath Cosima was holding blows itself out of her lungs, because her name is delivered with such a familiar French lilt that Cosima can’t help but relax.

“Hi, I love you. I love you so much,” She presses into the receiver. She says it so fast that she’s not sure Delphine can even understand her, she just needs her to know how much she cares. That yeah, they’ve had their fair share of betrayal and anger, but she loves this woman so much that it hurts sometimes. She’s not sure Delphine can even understand her because it comes out tripping on tears that she has to blink away because she’ll be damned if she cries right now. She’s not sure Delphine can even understand her until she hears the sharp intake of breath and the soft “Je t’aime aussi” in response.

“Cosima, you need to listen to me. Rachel has relocated me to Frankfurt. They are sending me away. I am so sorry. T-they would not let me come see you. I am in an aeroport and there is a DYAD guard with me. I think Rachel told him that he is to make sure I get on the plane. I didn’t know how I would reach you, so I told him I needed to go, euh, freshen up?” Delphine seems to be struggling for the word in English, but then shakes it off, almost audibly, as her voice drops even lower. “I do not have much time.”

It doesn’t register at first, and when it hits her a few seconds later, Cosima sags visibly. “They’re sending you to Germany?” Her chest is tight, and she shakes her head in disbelief even though Delphine can’t see her. _They can’t do that_ , Cosima thinks stupidly before remembering that, oh wait, they can.

“Oui, but please, Cosima. I need to know if you are okay. I need to say,” Delphine’s voice clenches for a second. “I need to say goodbye.”

There’s something familiar about this. Cosima feels like there is a warning in the back of her mind that she needs to say, but there is a fog wrapping around her brain that is too heavy to think.

“Delphine, where did you say you were again?”

“An aeroport somewhere. Why?”

Cosima hits her palm with her head. Why does that sound so foreboding? _Think_. She mutters under her breath. _Think_.

“You mean with, like, airplanes and stuff?” Her mind feels thick and slow. _Think_.

Delphine’s tsk is impatient, but there’s a hint of sad laughter behind her words. “Yes, Cosima, with ‘airplanes and stuff’. It is an aeroport.”

And then it hits Cosima. She springs into action, jumping up and pacing around, having to vault herself slightly over Sarah, who’s worrying a thumbnail between her teeth, her eyes transfixed on Cosima.

“Delphine. Delphine, you can’t get on that plane. You can’t. Rachel killed Leekie on a private jet. Delphine, if you get on that plane, she might kill you too.”

Felix sucks in a breath at the same time as Delphine. There’s a pregnant pause on the other side of the telephone line and when Delphine finally speaks, her voice comes out shaky.

“What choice do I have, Cosima? There is a guard whose only job is to get me on the plane.”

Cosima slams her hand down on the counter in frustration. If the rustle of sheets behind her is any indicator, she made someone jump. Probably Felix.

“Is it commercial?”

“What?”

Cosima sighs. “The flight. Is it a commercial flight?”

Delphine pauses for a minute. “Yes, I think so.”

“Okay, good. Get on the flight. Call me when you land. Or text me. Or, like, send a flare into the sky or something. Just let me know you’re okay. Okay?”

“Okay,” Delphine’s voice is small and Cosima wants nothing more than to fold herself into her, so close that she doesn’t know where she starts and Delphine begins.

“Wait, before you go. I found this book. Duncan gave it to Kira and it has all this sequence stuff and really sick diagrams, but I’m really going to need your help because I don’t know how to figure out half of it.” Cosima’s hands are flying around now, trying to describe this book, those charts, all the while trying to ignore the trembling in her fingertips that Delphine will be very far away, very soon, and not in her bed or her lab.

“Cosima, of course I will try but...” She didn’t know Delphine’s voice could be any smaller than it was before. “...but they said I can’t work on clones anymore.”

Cosima’s hands freeze in midair. Her mouth opens and closes but nothing comes out and she just gapes at the kitchen sink in front of her until she can formulate sentences.

“B-b-but you’re the person who knows us the best. Scott said it himself. And if he said it, you know it’s true. That dude doesn’t lie. You know me and my case better than anyone.”

Cosima hopes she understands her. Hopes Delphine will get that she’s not just talking about the polyps in her lungs. Delphine is the person who knows her the best. Full stop. She knows how her feet get cold in the mornings, knows how Cosima doesn’t like wearing shirts to bed or how she takes her coffee with two sugars and only a tiny bit of milk, and how she always felt like her parents didn’t care enough when she was growing up. Delphine can’t leave her; not when she’s a clone, and certainly not when she’s herself.

Delphine’s voice is panicked and quick. “Cosima, I have to go, I have already taken too long. I promise I will call you. I promise. Je t’aime. Je t'aime de tout mon coeur.”

Cosima sniffles and her voice wavers when she replies, “I love you too.”

“À bientôt, mon amour. Je promets.” _See you soon, my love. I promise._

“Bye, Delphine,” Cosima is cradling the phone so close to her ear that it’s starting to hurt. She knows she’s gone before she checks the screen.

She seems to fall into herself, all shaking hands and tears leaking out the corners of her eyes. _See you soon_ she had said. But there was no guarantee that she would ever seen Delphine again, not after Rachel had decided to fuck with her life again. And then, suddenly, she’s throwing the phone at the wall and watching the battery pop out of the back. _Well_ , she thinks bitterly, _at least that’s not as easily broken as I am._

She can feel herself crying, can feel the tears sluice down her cheeks and the sounds rising from her throat, but it’s as if someone has pressed a mute button. Everything sounds muffled and eerily quiet, like she’s underwater. She can feel someone’s hands, Sarah probably, guiding her to sit down, and then pressing Cosima’s face into their shoulder, rocking her slowly back and forth. Eventually, though, the sobs turn into coughs, wet and jolting, and Sarah’s hands are still rubbing comforting circles on her back as she coughs until she can’t move and Sarah’s shoulder is colored scarlet.

Cosima hates this. Hates her illness, hates the DYAD, hates Rachel, and hates the fact that Sarah is the one holding her. That the person who should be holding her is boarding a plane for the other side of the world.

 **  
**But most of all, Cosima thinks, before she is overcome with another rattling cough that shatters her insides, she hates rain.


End file.
